Shadowlane Part VII

In case you haven't noticed, I ramble a LOT.  Check out my other six parts:

                     Part I  Part II  Part III  Part IV Part V Part VI

My friends in the scene are great for many reasons.  One thing we are not so great at?  Leaving for ANYTHING on time.   It is like herding cats.  Phrases like, “I’ll be ready in 20 minutes” can easily translate to one hour. We don’t move quickly.

In order to help solve this problem, many people are given times that are at least a half hour earlier than needed.  I was standing in our suite bathroom finishing my hair when I received a text from OS saying, “Get down here, ASAP!”  Thinking something was wrong, I quickly left my room and headed down to the other room. 

“GREAT!  She’s here!”  OS said when I knocked.  Nothing was wrong, just the herding process.  Grumbling, I headed back to our suite to unplug my straightener and gather the rest of our room.  I was actually very pleased with how my dress, hair, and makeup looked.  Until RainySpanker stuck his palm on my face, rubbed it down and ruined my eye makeup.  -_-

“You can’t do that to girls!!”  I screeched angrily at him and left the suite and ran back to mine.  Sure enough my mascara was now sitting underneath my eye giving me the look of a half faced raccoon.

I am led to believe that the married men of the group yelled at RainySpanker for me informing him that he just delayed the cat herding process by another 10-20 minutes.  He seemed so apologetic, he even let me punch him in the shoulder which I was more than happy to take advantage of.  Hard.

Finally the whole group was ready to leave for dinner, and somehow managed to make it on time.  There is something great about sitting with good friends, good conversation, and good food.  Dinner left me full in many ways.  My hunger was satisfied and my well-being was satisfied.   We laughed, we drank, and of course we ate.  Many of us were hitting the food coma wall as we headed back to get ready for a night of suite parties.

Hanging out as some people changed clothing and some people "rested their eyes,"  Stephen Lewis came down to visit.  I gave him my winning smile, but all he could exclaim was, "THERE is that SMILE again."  Aurora had to point out that I just have a very insincere smile.  Laughter abound, I pointed out that that wins as the MEANEST thing anyone has ever said to me!  :-P  I couldn't help but laugh.  A few months ago we had a fetlife thread about how people always seem to think I am up to something, even when I am not.  I am starting to develop a complex about my smile.

With some of us falling asleep and some of us getting our second wind, a split group headed out towards Tom and Joe’s open suites.  After a day of playing, the Saturday night suite parties were very calm for me.   Late night, yes, but little play.  Enjoying conversations with friends was my night.

I know that this is a spanko blog and this entire post has nothing to do with spankings.  Many people not familiar to the large party scenes seem to think that these parties are non stop play for 3-4 days.  In reality, it is coming together with people who share the same secret we all share and getting to know them.  There is something freeing about having friends who know you.  REALLY know you.  They know who you are, what you do, what you like, and they know you are a spanko too.  Not only do they not shun you or question you about your kink, they celebrate it with you.  It is this comradery that has made me addicted to spanking parties. 

Strictdave put out his court box and I did take the time to figure out how to word my “Reckless Abandonment” case.  Stacy tried to warn me that the larger the accusation, the harder the spanking if I were to lose!  I felt good, but I've felt good about many other cases too which would end up with me losing.  I decided to “go big” and added my slip to the court box.  I couldn't wait to fight my case.  ;)

Shadowlane Part I

I finally have something exciting to blog about!  Yay!

This past weekend my husband and I attended the annual Shadowlane party in Las Vegas!  Spankings AND Vegas??  Yes, please!

This party could not have come at a better time for me.  Due to vanilla commitments, I was unable to attend any parties this past summer.  Going this long from BBW to now and not seeing any scene friends has been torture!!

My mind has been "bat-shit-crazy" lately thanks to an unwanted job position transfer, a personal issue that has been haunting me for several months, and just not being able to take anxiety meds due to said personal issue.  Pretty much EVERYTHING had been making me anxious.  My anxiety attacks embarrass me, but most of the time I can control the lies and stay calm. Unfortunately, with all the added stress lately, it has been difficult to keep calm. When I get like this, my brain likes to tell lies and I am teetering on a fine line of being normal and freaking out. Worst part is, once I start freaking out more lies enter and I freak out about other people knowing I am freaking out or that my freak outs are pissing off my friends.  It's been a joy.  

So late Thursday afternoon I was very antsy to get started with my road trip.  Work was freaking me out and the thoughts of leaving my vanilla woes behind was very appealing.  I practically ran out to my husband's car so we could get started on our drive to airport.  The drive felt slow and getting though security was long!  You could probably understand my frustration when we were told that our flight was to be delayed an hour.  Pubsie took me to get a drink and forced me to eat something ( too excited to be hungry!) and luckily decided to do a quick check on our flight status!  We could not hear the announcements where we were, so we almost missed that our flight was back on time and currently boarding!

Rushing back to our gate I did a little squeal of joy.  I couldn't stand the thought of having to wait even longer and I've never ever had a flight that was delayed end up leaving on time after all!  Working our way on to the plane, I noticed a man in his seat checking out the backside of the woman in front of me. On closer inspection I realized it was Inspectherhide and decided to point my finger at him and smirk knowing EXACTLY what he was doing.  He knew he was busted so we both laughed, waved, and teased each other via Fetlife.  It is fun knowing that other spankos were on the plane!  Inspectherhide also offered to drive us to the hotel in his rental car!

As Pubsie and Inspectherhide went to pick up the rental car, I waited on my lovely wifey Aurora to hurry up and land!  I kept my eyes peeled for a blond midget in heels, and after what felt like forever I was finally able to give my wifey a huge hug!!!!  We grabbed her luggage and met the guys and were FINALLY able to head towards the hotel.  As exhausted as I was, I was getting a second wind of energy due to pure excitement!  Once at the hotel, Aurora, Pubsie and I headed up to our suite on the tenth floor that we were sharing with our dear friends Kor-E and Maria!  Excited we shared hugs and I knew I could not ask for better suite mates.  A quick change and I was ready to head down to the party and meet up with everyone!!  

UNFORTUNATELY, we landed pretty late and most people had already left the suites.  As we headed down, we managed to bump into Stacy, Crashdance, OlympicSpanker, and Somaholiday.  Hugs abound, I was hoping to convince the tired group to rally but was unsuccessful.  A couple of swats from OS and knowing I would see them all soon and that we had a whole weekend, Aurora and I headed down to greet a few more people in Joe's Suite. Dirk, Ros, Strictdave, Beth, Ellee, and YoggSothoth were still up, so more hugs were abound!  One of the funnier moments was when YS was trying to get Beth and/or Ellee to head to bed with him.  Neither girl wanted to go and YS announced to Beth that the suite was dead anyway.  Of course all of us who were sitting there turned to him and shouted, "HEY!"  We could not let that comment slide without giving him a hard time.  

Aurora and I managed to stay up and watch as the suite did finally empty with the exception of Joe, Strictdave, and Ellee.  Strictdave was helping to adjust the St. Andrew's Cross and spanking bench that Joe manage to rent for the weekend and did a short scene with Ellee.  Joe announced that it would be awesome to have an audience which caused both Aurora and I to shout out "HEY!" again.  Laughing we left the suite and headed up to our room to get some rest for the long, spanking filled weekend ahead!

When Vanilla Life Gets You Down...

I'm going through a bit of a rough patch.  It's vanilla and boring, so I wont get into all of that.  It just really sucks and I have no outlet.  I have to ride this roller coaster over and over not knowing when, or if I will be able to get off the ride.

It is during these moments that my spanking desires are at an all time high.  Yes, I have my normal happy spanking thoughts, but lately much darker, more masochistic desires have been developing in my mind.  I want to be spanked, yes, but I want it to hurt.  I want my hair pulled, my arm grabbed.  I want to be roughly held down as the spanking begins.  I want a cane slashing, belt cracking scene where I feel something other than what I have been feeling.

Most importantly is "I want to feel something other than what I have been feeling."

The annual FMS Tropical Beach Party is coming up soon.  Unfortunately, we will have to miss this year due to a vanilla commitment.  I am bummed because I always have a great time and many of my favorite people will be there.  It would have provided with me the chance to get the snot beaten out of me too.  ;-)

I am lucky that I am married to a spanko, so I do get play more than most.  However, anything and anyone attached to the vanilla issue would end up putting me in a different head space and I would not be able to escape the issue.

I guess my whiny post comes down to these questions.  Have any of you spanked or have been spanked just to escape your problem for a while?  Have you been ever played rough just to feel something other than what you have been feeling?

Can someone hurry up and invent a teleportation device already?

BBW Part VII: It is not always rainbows and butterflies

I hesitated in writing this part, but I would be lying to myself if I didn't tell my whole party story.  I want to try and stay positive because overall, the weekend was amazing. However, this is a real incident and it was a hard lesson for me.  I let it get to me much more than I should have let it, and unfortunately it is still there, nagging at me, sometimes screaming at me, hoping to ruin all the happiness this weekend gave me.  I know I am being over-dramatic, but sadly I cant help it.  Negative thoughts about myself are always on my brain no matter how hard I try to suppress them.  The worse part is when they convince me that they are true.

I have been going to the major parties for the last six years now.  In all those six years, I have not once asked a person to play.  I have never been able to do it.  Not ONCE in six years.  

If you know me, you know how neurotic I am.  I don't understand why anyone would ever want to play with me.  I'm not very pretty,  I'm not very skinny, and I am ridiculously awkward to the point of embarrassment.  Yet, without sounding completely like a preadolescence teenage girl, I really,really want people to like me.  If I think someone is mad at me I will instantly start to cry and I worry what other people think constantly.  It is never good and I always need to be reassured once I get a bad thought stuck in my head.  Unfortunately, as much as I need the reassurance, my brain screams, "quit being such a needy bitch" and since I hate coming off as needy, I will hide and cry to myself until the moment has finally passed.  

Apparently that night I was feeling very brave and maybe for once in my life, secure and confident.  In the wee hours of Sunday morning, I asked a top to play.  I did!  All by myself.  And then he said no.

I'm not writing this to be mean about him, he was a perfect gentleman about it.  He doesn't know what a neurotic freak I am.   He probably dodged a bullet!  I refuse to even admit his name to anyone.  However, it was everything I feared an answer would be, if I ever became brave enough to ask. Having your worst thoughts proven to be true sucks. Trying not to cry, I turned away so he couldn't see the disappointment on my face.  I chose at that moment that it was time for me to walk away from the party and go to bed.

I don't blame him for saying no. I wouldn't want to play with me either.  I am glad that I was brave enough to finally ask someone.  I survived and now I know what will happen.  However, I do not ever see myself ever being brave enough to ask anyone ever again, lol.  Maybe in another six years...