I have a problem...

A pajama problem.  I love pajamas.  I love the soft fleece feel.  I love the snuggles and I LOVE DROPSEATS!

While my husband and I were walking through Walmart, I noticed that they had put out the winter pajamas.  I was eyeing these sheep jammies and pawing through looking for these cat pajamas that I missed out on buying last year.  I was bummed because the kitty pajamas had a hood with ears and a tail!

So, I'm looking through the pajamas when I found a pair of green ones that said, "I'm a frog!  Look behind!"  Could it be???  Was Walmart carrying dropseat jammies!!!!????


YES!

I couldn't help myself.  I bought two.  A frog and a fox.

This is one happy SAS.

Shadowlane Part I

I finally have something exciting to blog about!  Yay!

This past weekend my husband and I attended the annual Shadowlane party in Las Vegas!  Spankings AND Vegas??  Yes, please!

This party could not have come at a better time for me.  Due to vanilla commitments, I was unable to attend any parties this past summer.  Going this long from BBW to now and not seeing any scene friends has been torture!!

My mind has been "bat-shit-crazy" lately thanks to an unwanted job position transfer, a personal issue that has been haunting me for several months, and just not being able to take anxiety meds due to said personal issue.  Pretty much EVERYTHING had been making me anxious.  My anxiety attacks embarrass me, but most of the time I can control the lies and stay calm. Unfortunately, with all the added stress lately, it has been difficult to keep calm. When I get like this, my brain likes to tell lies and I am teetering on a fine line of being normal and freaking out. Worst part is, once I start freaking out more lies enter and I freak out about other people knowing I am freaking out or that my freak outs are pissing off my friends.  It's been a joy.  

So late Thursday afternoon I was very antsy to get started with my road trip.  Work was freaking me out and the thoughts of leaving my vanilla woes behind was very appealing.  I practically ran out to my husband's car so we could get started on our drive to airport.  The drive felt slow and getting though security was long!  You could probably understand my frustration when we were told that our flight was to be delayed an hour.  Pubsie took me to get a drink and forced me to eat something ( too excited to be hungry!) and luckily decided to do a quick check on our flight status!  We could not hear the announcements where we were, so we almost missed that our flight was back on time and currently boarding!

Rushing back to our gate I did a little squeal of joy.  I couldn't stand the thought of having to wait even longer and I've never ever had a flight that was delayed end up leaving on time after all!  Working our way on to the plane, I noticed a man in his seat checking out the backside of the woman in front of me. On closer inspection I realized it was Inspectherhide and decided to point my finger at him and smirk knowing EXACTLY what he was doing.  He knew he was busted so we both laughed, waved, and teased each other via Fetlife.  It is fun knowing that other spankos were on the plane!  Inspectherhide also offered to drive us to the hotel in his rental car!

As Pubsie and Inspectherhide went to pick up the rental car, I waited on my lovely wifey Aurora to hurry up and land!  I kept my eyes peeled for a blond midget in heels, and after what felt like forever I was finally able to give my wifey a huge hug!!!!  We grabbed her luggage and met the guys and were FINALLY able to head towards the hotel.  As exhausted as I was, I was getting a second wind of energy due to pure excitement!  Once at the hotel, Aurora, Pubsie and I headed up to our suite on the tenth floor that we were sharing with our dear friends Kor-E and Maria!  Excited we shared hugs and I knew I could not ask for better suite mates.  A quick change and I was ready to head down to the party and meet up with everyone!!  

UNFORTUNATELY, we landed pretty late and most people had already left the suites.  As we headed down, we managed to bump into Stacy, Crashdance, OlympicSpanker, and Somaholiday.  Hugs abound, I was hoping to convince the tired group to rally but was unsuccessful.  A couple of swats from OS and knowing I would see them all soon and that we had a whole weekend, Aurora and I headed down to greet a few more people in Joe's Suite. Dirk, Ros, Strictdave, Beth, Ellee, and YoggSothoth were still up, so more hugs were abound!  One of the funnier moments was when YS was trying to get Beth and/or Ellee to head to bed with him.  Neither girl wanted to go and YS announced to Beth that the suite was dead anyway.  Of course all of us who were sitting there turned to him and shouted, "HEY!"  We could not let that comment slide without giving him a hard time.  

Aurora and I managed to stay up and watch as the suite did finally empty with the exception of Joe, Strictdave, and Ellee.  Strictdave was helping to adjust the St. Andrew's Cross and spanking bench that Joe manage to rent for the weekend and did a short scene with Ellee.  Joe announced that it would be awesome to have an audience which caused both Aurora and I to shout out "HEY!" again.  Laughing we left the suite and headed up to our room to get some rest for the long, spanking filled weekend ahead!

BBW Part V

If you missed them:

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

The "missing" key fiasco ended up taking up much of my time and I was due to serve my Power Hour of security at lunch with Aurora and Sarah_Rocks.  I am still not sure how Aurora convinced Tom to give us a full hour together, but it worked!  I decided to just rock the school girl outfit until I needed to change for the vendors fair.  I felt bad sending people without their badge back to their rooms, but unfortunately those are the rules.  It is hard to keep track of everyone and a few vanillas did try to sneak in and steal our sammiches!

A few weeks prior to BBW, I made a joke about tackling anyone who tried to pass us without a badge.  Apparently this was seen as cute from Spank33 and Rainyspanker.  Unfortunately for them I am a former Rugby player with excellent tackling skills!  ;)  Seeing the shocked look on these men's faces (especially Rainyspanker!) was the highlight of our Power Hour.  As great as we were for our entire hour of security, we seemed to have a backup security to protect us with Publikk, Pulls_Panties_Downs, and Rainyspanker lurking behind us.  COMPLETELY unneeded!

We did have one incident!  Mike Tanner and jules showed up without their badges and Mike said he didn't need his badge because he was the "Head Mother Fucker in Charge!"  Sounds like a court case to me.  

After lunch I fell asleep and managed to wake up with enough time to catch the end of the uniform top event.  Even though I do not participate in the event, it is so much fun to watch! There were so many tops being dragged off and manhandled by the female bottoms.  I could not help but laugh!  IMLX was dressed as a scientist and pulled me over to the side to bend me over a chair and scold me in Russian again.  I cannot get enough of it!  It's nice to be pulled aside even though I wasn't part of the official event.

We had a little bit of down time before we needed to get ready for the Madmen themed banquet dinner.  A small group of us decided to wander out to the beach bar and enjoy our company, some snacks, and drinks!   My favorite part about these weekends are not the actual spankings, lol.  It's the part where we all hang out and enjoy each others company as the amazing people we are.  The added kinky secret that we all share is just the icing on the cake!

After a while we realized that we better hurry upstairs if we want to have enough time to get ready for the dinner!  This year's theme was Madmen and the outfits everyone was wearing looked so classy.  As a group we clean up quite well!  I myself was wearing a turquoise polka dotted dress with white gloves and, dun-dun-dun... white high heals.   Torture.  I'm not the most graceful person and I rarely wear heals.  I decided the shoes were theme appropriate and would attempt to rock them.  Then I remembered that it had been so long since I last wore heals and didn't really walk in them very well.  I spent most of the evening trying not to slip and fall backwards on my ass.  

Dinner was nice and we were entertained with videos including one that a large group of us got together and filmed at the Christmas SSNY party.  I was asked to revise my role as "Pantiesinabunch" and happily played my bitchy, foul mouthed altered ego.  I am worried that people are going to start thinking that I am actually that bitchy in person!!  We had our first BBW wedding, and Mike Tanner made a nice speech where he honored many of the married spankos who were together at the party.  It was very sweet.  

After dinner Buzzy entertained us with his wonderful music selections and people danced and played the night away.  Rainyspanker dragged me off to play and Hornybastard came up and asked me to play as well.  I had just met hornybastard this weekend and he was such a nice guy that I was looking forward to playing with him.  We had a nice scene, but then at the end he went to flip me up and over and my shoes got caught. Classy SAS went flying backwards off his lap, into the curtain behind us with feet waving in the air.  Luckily Rainyspanker was in the curtain next to us and not a total stranger.  I was mortified and HB looked horrified and all we could both do was apologize to each other before cracking up and laughing.  If anything, I think the first scene where we played together will be one for the memory books!

IMLX was nice enough to ask me to dance and the BBW twerk team had a great time leading the dance floor!  The company was great, and it was fun to watch all the couples dance together.  Soon enough the heals were begging to be kicked off and traded for flipflops and the suites were calling our name!  Publikk and I headed up to our room to change and get ready for another of fun and play!

DD and Marriage; is it possible to achieve, or am I just too stubborn?

I think it is pretty safe to say that I am pretty into spanking.

When I first ventured into the scene, I thought the only type of spankings that existed were discipline spankings and that in order to achieve said goal, bratting was the only way to do it.  I didn't really do anything "bad" that needed a spanking, so being annoying seemed the way to go.

Only, I HATED being a brat.  Pranks and tricks are not my thing.  Being sassy has always been apart of who I am, but my making a smart ass comment doesn't necessarily mean I am trying to get a spanking.  I'm just being me.

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Funishment:  Naughty Baker

As my scene life evolved, I eventually learned that I am much more comfortable doing role plays for (using Richard Windsor's word) funishment.  It's fun, playful, and it is not something real that I may have done.  I am able to satisfy my needs and hopefully my partner's needs as well.


In reality, growing up and even growing up in my scene life, I never really needed any type of discipline type spankings.  I do my job, I am a safe driver, I tend not to be irresponsible, and I would never intentionally do something to hurt a person I care about's feelings.  That is not me.


When my husband and I first began our relationship, real discipline spankings were sprinkled into it.  I could tell back then it wasn't his favorite thing to do, and as our relationship grew into more than just "spanko" playmates, we became equals.  I do understand that many women enjoy taking a submissive role to their husbands, but I had been taking care of myself for so long, I wasn't able to be in a relationship where I felt subservient to my partner.  My husband does take care of me, but any major decisions in our life is discussed between us and decided together.

Funishment:  Naughty Baker

Eventually discipline type spankings disappeared from our relationship completely, and I was okay with that.

So I thought.

There were a few items that I asked my husband to help me with, but he never kept up with it.  I called him out on it and he let me know that he didn't think I really wanted a DD type relationship in our marriage, and the punishment aspect of spanking just doesn't seem to work with us.  I agreed and let it go.  I didn't want my husband to do anything he didn't feel comfortable with, it wouldn't be fair to him.

Then last year I did do something that hurt a dear friend of mine and made him very angry with me.  To make a long story short, I did something that I thought was playful, but in reality it annoyed him.  I didn't realize it annoyed him and kept at it until it basically blew up in my face.  I was horrified that I had hurt him and quickly tried to make it right.  Last summer in an unplanned scene, he spanked me for the incident.  It was not the hardest spanking I ever had, but I cried, something I never do during scenes.  I cried not because of the spanking, but because he was so disappointed in me and my actions.  I never want to do that to him again.

Funishment: Top in the  Corner

As much as I hate crying in front of people, and as much as I hated having to have a scene like that, it was also very cathartic.  I did something wrong that hurt someone I love, but instead of dropping me from his life, he punished me and cleared the air between us.  I knew all was forgiven and I wanted to be a better person because of it.  It is one of the most powerful scenes I have ever been a part of.

The scene stayed with me and I began to think about having a DD relationship again.  It hadn't worked in our relationship before, but maybe I changed?  However, even if I had changed would my husband's feelings have changed?  I became jealous of the discipline relationships my husband had with other girls.  To clarify, it wasn't jealousy of his playing with others (we both play with others), I was jealous that when it came to other girls, he could play the part of the disciplinarian and punish them if needed.

Last  May I became sick and was put on a strict diet that until recently, I followed very well.  I was also put on medication for some health issues that I need to take twice a day to avoid becoming sick.  I don't know if it was the holidays or I was just fed up with everything, but I fell off the wagon and I fell hard.  For whatever reason, I suck at taking my medications.  I either forget in the morning, or I forget at night... more than once a week.  I don't mean to forget, but I do.  Then this past week I went back to my doctor where he told me how disappointed he was with me, and I left feeling ashamed of myself.  I felt and still feel actually, like I failed myself.  I hate feeling like a failure and I had no one to blame but myself.

So I asked my husband for help.  I asked him to help me get back on the diet that doesn't make me sick and to make sure I actually take my medication twice a day.   I failed.  I failed horribly.  I am so miserable with myself that I keep chastising myself  and asking myself what the fuck is wrong with me.  Based on what I asked for, I deserve to be punished. However, once again it doesn't look like a punishment relationship will work for us.  I know he hates punishing me for real offensives, but part of me wants to be able to have someone else chastise me and release that pent up self loathing that I form about myself.

I'm curious to know what others think.  Are you able to have a DD relationship with your significant other?  Do you have a significant other who plays with you but not in a disciplinarian type of way?  Do you have a DD relationship with a different partner that is different from the relationship you have with your lover?  Do you have a DD relationship with someone and you are not romantically involved?

I would love to read your thoughts and comments on the subject.

 Funishment:  Christmas Hairbrushing and Dropseat Fun