SSNY Christmas Party Weekend in NYC Part I: Thursday Night

Recently I attended the Christmas party/fifth anniversary of SSNY.  My husband and I spent a weekend in Manhattan sharing a two floor townhouse with 19 (!) people.  As tight of a squeeze as it was, for Manhattan standards, this place was pretty much a mansion!

Thursday afternoon we headed to the airport and my party excitement was growing and nerves were at an all time high.  I had been in a spanko funk for the past several weeks, and I was worried it would affect my party experience.  As we got to the house, it was excited hugs with the 7 people who were already there.  I was so excited to see my girls Stacykins, Crashdance, Melanie, and mia13 as well as meet the lovely Chrysalides.  I can't forget the wonderful gentlemen of OS, Strictdave, and RainySpanker.  After a couple of drinks and some cozy catch up time, I was all smiles and and starting to suppress the anti/nervous spanko feelings I had been having.

Being the only smoker person who enjoys the brisk night air, I took full advantage of the nice New York City night and the amazing rooftop desk on our townhouse.  It was a great night (especially considering that the next few days would suck, weather-wise) and there was a beautiful view.  OS followed me up the stairs to "check out the view" and proceeded to give me my first spanking of the weekend.  This spanking was significant for three reasons:

1.)  My spanko funk was partly related to a smaller party that I had gone to where no one touched me.  It was the first party I had ever been to where no one asked me to play.  I left the party feeling like a leper and my anxiety and self esteem issues were sky high and I had spent the last few weeks beating myself up about it.  I even half-joked saying if no one touched me at this party, I was going vanilla.

2.)  It was outside which triggered my exhibitionist side and put me in a yummy, rare, submissive mindset.
2.a) Some creeper in an apartment across the street watched.

3.)  The spanking was given to me by a great guy who I really enjoy playing with, who knows how to command a scene, who taps into my head space, and makes me feel better about myself as a person.

The roof top scene calmed my nerves and reminded me why I love my friends in the scene and why parties like this mean a lot to me.  I went downstairs grinning, so happy that we decided to attend this weekend.

From then on I enjoyed spanks and straps, and even being squat lifted by RainySpanker!  It was so great to sit around and catch up with everyone and have a "chillaxed" evening before the craziness of the actual party weekend would start.

An Ode to My Girls, and Why Girlfriends Make Life Better

I've never had a lot of friends.  Especially girlfriends.

I was always kind of a tom boy growing up and am a little rough around the edges.  I never was boy crazy, I didn't care about clothes, and I didn't start wearing makeup until I was in college (and even now I only put it on for special occasions).

I tried very hard to fit in when I was in high school.  I pretended I liked bands and I would talk about guys they thought were hot.  I wore what my friends told me to wear and I laughed at all their jokes, even though many were mean and not very funny.  Basically I was their puppet and when I finally spoke up against them I no longer had friends.  It would have been a very lonely year if I didn't have my guys.

Fast forward several years and my girlfriends were still few and far between.  I finally got the courage to come into the scene, and then something amazing happened.

I met the girls.

Suddenly I had girls to laugh with, girls to chat with, and girl hugs coming at me at all angles.   Parties would turn into all night gab fests and giggles. Snugglefests on the bed would be the late night party norm, and silly gags will turn into hilarious stories and longtime running jokes.

Best part?  These girls seemed to like me for me!

I have panic attacks that pop up when I am really nervous about something and am embarrassed when they happen.  I hate crying in front of people, and all panic attacks end with me crying.  As much as I love going to parties, unfortunately I occasionally panic about something (and it is ALWAYS something stupid).  Normally I can hide in my room alone and cry without anyone knowing.  The couple of times I had been caught was with guys and I was horrified.  I was convinced if any of the girls caught me they would avoid me like the plague.

Last Shadowlane I was nervous about something.  I thought I had calmed myself down enough to be okay, but unfortunately right before entering a suite I panicked.  I couldn't breathe and I felt the tears coming.  Not only was I embarrassed that I was panicking about something stupid, I was horrified because I was with a group of my girls.  Not sure what to do, I muttered something about going back to my room, entered the closest stairwell and started crying.

Girls however, don't let other girls run away that easily.  The door opened, and in came two of my girls.  As I started to panic more, hugs and soothing talk came my way.  Instead of laughing at me or rolling their eyes, they calmed me down.  They made me feel better and even talked me into coming back to the party.  They were there for me.

This past weekend I attended the amazing SSNY Christmas Party and was invited to stay in a house in the city with 18 other people.  Super cramp quarters made it hard to escape from any panic attacks.  Long story short, I became nervous about an outfit I said I was going to wear and my anxiety rose to the point of tears.  My poor husband tried to help me as much as he could, but unfortunately when I am like that I can't listen to him. Instead of leaving me alone to freak myself out, he went upstairs and got one of the girls.  When he told her what was going on she quickly came down, and a couple of the other girls who heard what was going on quickly joined her.  Their words and encouragement calmed me down and I realized that I was being stupid.  I never in a million years thought that I would have these amazing ladies in my life.

So in my post party, weepy, cheesy, and droppy sadness, I want to thank all my girls.  From "THE POWER" to my cousins, from tucks to snugglefests on the bed, from giggling when we shouldn't to singing loudly, from piling into cars and other bad idea ideas... thank you.  I could never survive the scene without you and having you in my life makes my life so much better.



 

Don't get mad at me for telling the truth you don't want to hear...

This is a message I shared on my fetlife profile and decided to share it here as well...

______________________________________________________________________________

How often has that line been shouted out lately?

It is nothing new, it is just a phrase I have seen more often than usual these past few months.

This phrase tends to be the response of a writer after everyone attacks them for stating their opinion on how all spanko girls are overweight fat chicks, or pros are prostitutes, older women are only jealous of younger women, parties are inclusive, cliquey snob fests… etc etc etc

Some people cheer the person for saying what they are thinking while others call it trolling. Then the line comes out, “Don’t get mad at me for saying what everyone is thinking.”

It makes me shake my head. Yes people will get mad. Why? You are being rude and insulting!

When has it become okay to go around and tell people they are fat or ugly or old? Is it the safety and anonymity of the internet that makes it okay to say anything that we are thinking? Do you go around in real life and tell a large audience of people that they are ugly and stupid? I doubt that you do because you would most likely get your ass kicked.

I know that posting a message will not solve anything and some people will come and ridicule me for even saying anything. However, what happened to good manners?

I don’t like everyone. I’m a human being. Like other humans I have thoughts about others. Do I look at people and have opinions that aren’t always the nicest? Yes. Do I go around and say it? No! Why? Because it is rude and I was taught to have good manners!

I am a 32 year old, overweight female with social anxiety issues and poor self-esteem. I’ve been called fat, ugly, stupid, and crazy, all on this wonderful internet. Yes I have a ridiculous online persona, but behind that persona is a very real person. Why on earth is it okay for you to be this rude to a real person? Did I ask for it because I created a social media profile? Did I ask for it because I wanted to share pictures and stories with the friends I have made in the scene over the years? Was it wrong for me to post a picture because I am “fat” and should know better?

Here is my “don’t get mad at me for telling the truth.” I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that you were never taught manners. I feel sorry that you feel entitled to spend your time going around and talking bad about people, pictures, and groups.

People will continue to post offensive remarks and comments. People will continue to fight and defend such remarks. Nothing will change there. But maybe, just maybe, we can take a moment and think, “would I say this to this person if we were standing face to face?”

I can’t control what others do, but I can control what I do. My goal is to be more positive about myself and others. Will people leave rude comments to me? Yes. Will people offend me (along with others) in the fetlife threads? Yes. Do I have to sink to their level? No, I don’t.

Sometimes I Just Want It

It was a long work week.  The kind of week where I hate my job and just want to quit.

I'm tired.  I'm cranky.  I don't want to do ANYTHING.

Well, that isn't completely true.

There is ONE thing I want...


The problem is, I know it's been the same type of week for him.

We are both in a place where we are not happy with where we are and what we do.

We want a change and it's a mood killer.

I know what I want... but how do I know that HE wants it too.

What is a girl to do?

I normally get home from work first, and today was one of those days.  I sat on the couch and wondered how to approach it.

Do I just ask?  Do I playfully brat?  Is he too tired to play?

As the clock ticks I wait, and wonder what to do.

Sure enough, he comes home tired.  "I just want to sit for a moment," he says.

So I wait.

I prepare dinner and debate my next move.

I understand where he is coming from.  I feel the same way.  I just want to sit.  Relax.  De-stress from day.

Unfortunately my want is high.  I want to be handled.  I want my hair pulled.  I want to be pulled over his knee, my pants yanked downed, and spanked hard and furiously.

But does he want it too?

Subtle hints don't work.  My fantasy of being dominated is not going to be fulfilled today.  The question in my brain now is, do I give up or do I compromise?

I decide to be assertive.

I walk over to him and smile.  As he smiles back I slowly undo the buckle of my pants and slide them down.  My panties are cute.  White with pink hearts scattered about.  A pair that I know he loves.  I give him a knowing smile as I grab his hands.

"What is this," he asks.

Instead of answering I place myself over his knees.

"I need this tonight," I say.  "Please.  Give me what I need."

He chuckles and smiles down at me.  "You know how to ask," he says.

"Please," I beg.  "Give me what I want."

He slowly pulls my panties down to me knees.  I feel the cool air hit my bare bottom before he begins to rub his hand on my right cheek.  "It is my pleasure," he says.

Then a hard smack. The kind that causes me to gasp and catch my breath.

I smile and close my eyes.  This is what I need.


,

Creating the Perfect Vanilla Chocolate Swirl

I am very fortunate.  :)  Not too long after finally admitting to myself that I am in fact a spanko, I met the man I would eventually marry.  We had been talking on Myspace (remember myspace?) and he was going to come to my area.  We met for lunch, I took him on an hike that he was not prepared for (oppps), and we had our first spanking on top of a mountain with one of the prettiest views that one can only see from the top of a mountain summit.

It remains one of my most memorial spanking experiences.

As we realized that day (and the weeks and months that followed), we had a chemistry that we could not deny.  We were more than just play partners, we were soul mates.  He is my best friend, my lover, my husband, my equal, and my top.

I know people are wondering, "how can he be both your equal AND your top?"

When we first moved in together, I remember getting comments like, "your butt must be red ALL the time," and "you NEED someone 24/7 to fix your behavior!"  The first one I smiled at, the second one kind of insulted me, but both comments are not true.

Don't misunderstand me, we enjoy spanking play in our marriage, but the best part is we enjoy it as an activity that we both enjoy mutually.  If I don't feel like playing, we don't.  If he doesn't feel like playing, we don't.  We are equal.  I am happy to submit to his needs and he is happy to provide me with mine.

When we started out, our relationship was focused on play, play, play!  We were living in different states and could only see each other about once a month (if we were lucky maybe twice a month!).  Our visits would be weekend long plays to fulfill our needs.  When I moved closer to him, a funny thing started to happen.

Spanking wasn't the only thing in our relationship.

Our vanilla life slowly started to sneak into our play time.  We met each other's families.  We met each other's vanilla friends.  We dodged questions on how we met and let several different stories form, all of which we just smiled and nodded at in agreement.  "Why yes!  We did meet each other at the beach." "I heard that she picked him up at a bar."  "I think they used match.com!"

Oh how little did they know.  ;)

We panicked a little when we got married.  Our wedding was a huge fanfare that included both of our (ridiculously large) families, friends, and a handful of people we had met and become close friends with in the scene.  Do we put a "how we met" story on our wedding website?  Do we let people just talk?  Do we answer the "how you met question" if someone asks?

We decided to just avoid the situation completely.  Surprisingly, that worked out perfectly!

Where spanking is still a huge part of our lives and our relationship, it is no longer the predominate factor.  We support each other through the ups and downs that life throws at us.  I love him and he is my everything.

The best part?  We both understand our freaky, kinky needs.

Do you have a spanking relationship that mixes in with the vanilla world?  Do you want a relationship that combines both worlds?  Do you find it hard to keep your spanking needs secret?  Do you feel the need to hide your kinky relationships?  Please feel free to share.  :)

Shake it like a Polaroid Picture!

I spend WAY too much time on Fetlife.  WAY too much.  So much in fact, that sometimes I accidentally say Fetlife instead of facebook while conversing with vanillas.

Opps.

I'm pretty snarky.  I rather enjoy the petty drama that break out on boards from some butthurt troll trying to get a rise, to the uberest of uberdoms who swear their way is the only way and talks down condescendingly to everyone who disagrees with them.  I'm the person that comes on and makes a smart ass comment that may or may not have something to do with the topic at hand.   It's better than a soap opera!

Threads and the people who respond shall be a post for another day.  ;)

I'm am more fascinated with the posting of pictures.

I have not yet decided if I am going to post pictures to this new blog.  My old blog had several pictures. However, I would post some pictures of myself and next thing I knew I was finding pictures of myself on people's blogs and webpages.  I would be looking at pictures on Fet and other sites and would find a picture of myself with a description giving me a brand new name and a story of what they spanked me for and how I was spanked.

It was pretty frustrating.

I do have several pictures on my fetlife account.  Most are set to private, but the pictures that hide my face are available for everyone to see.  I know that having public pictures allows for everyone and their mother to write a comment, but the comments themselves are what fascinated me.

I wont lie.  I post pictures for attention.  ;)  If I think a picture is horrible I wont post it.  If I really like a picture I put it out there in the hopes of getting nice comments.  I also like to share these pictures with my friends so they can get a brief glimpse into my husband's and my spanko life.  Mostly though, I'm just an attention whore.

I love to go around to all of my friend's pictures and post a comment and hit that 'love' button.  If an interesting picture pops up in my feed, I click it.  Sometimes I love it, sometimes I wish I could bleach my eyes out.  For the most part I love what people share and think it is pretty cool that we have a social networking site that allows for us kinky individuals to gather, converse, and share.

In addition to the wonderful comments my friends leave, I tend to get comments from the serial commentators.  Nice comments, generic comments, backhanded compliments, and the down right mean.

My favorite is the "I love a girl with a fat ass."  Gee... thanks.  That is what EVERY girl wants to hear.

Or how about the "Nothing like a big bottomed girl standing in the corner."  Not much better than the comment above.

Or how about the comments that say, "I would shove my dick up that fat ass and fuck the shit out of it!"  Does that EVER work??!!??  Or the "I'll jizz all over that face!"  EEWWWWWW!

One day I logged on to Fet to see that I had 46@s and my email was blown up with fetlife emails.  One guy went through and started to love AND comment on all of my public photos.  I had never once met this guy, talked to this guy, or even SEEN this guy before.

This man started off with generic "nice ass" comments.  Then started off with how HE would spank me and how my butt could be redder.  Then as he continued making this comments, it was as if we became friends.  He started adding honey and sweetie, then my name, then my apparent "full name" (it wasn't) and finally he ended it as if we had just done the scene.  Weird.

Do you have any favorite photo comments?  Do you have a favorite line that you like to leave on comments?  Feel free to add them in the comments.  ;)

What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

Or something like that.

I go by a name in the scene that I picked out just because I liked it.  It is simple, cute, easy to rhyme, and is a good description of how I come across as a person.  I've been given many additional nicknames, all which I love due to my friends creating those names for me.  I'm not trying to "reinvent' myself by naming this blog SaS, it is just an honest description of who I am.  A description that humors many and horrifies me.

See, I am very awkward.  I try to play it off, but I have always been different.  Not only just a spanko freak, but I am a girl that has no filter and I am plague with anxiety and self esteem issues.  I do not always know how to act in situations, especially those that involve meeting new people.  I am very aware of the fact that I say (and do) stupid and uncomfortable things, and there is nothing I can do but own that fact.   Sometimes I am grateful that I am fully aware of my lack of social awareness (maybe I can change!) other times I feel that ignorance would truly be a bliss.  Meeting new people causes me to break out into a cold sweat, my heart starts to pump and I smile creepily as I pray to myself that I don't say anything offensive OR stupid.  I always hope that the people I am meeting don't realize how clumsy my words are until after they get to know me.  Then maybe they will think my silly faux pas are an endearing quality of my overall personality and not a gruesome turnoff.

I am very fortunate to have met many wonderful scene people who have become amazing friends.  They are my family.  I met my husband through the scene and we enjoy traveling to parties both large and small.  In my head though, there is always a little voice telling me that I don't really fit in.  I fight with this voice for entire parties.  It hits me hard in both the spanking and vanilla worlds.  As needy and crazy as it sounds (even to me), I worry that people are mad at me for something and I just don't know why.  Or they put up with me because one person likes me and they don't want to hurt their feelings.  I am aware enough to tell this voice in my head to shut up, but then I get anxious about being too anxious and worry that people will think I'm too needy...without ever saying any of this aloud.  

Crazy, right?

Over the years I have become much better at developing my cooping skills, but my anxiety still lingers and will always be a part of my life. To help myself enjoy more out of life, I finally decided to own it.  Laugh at myself instead of cry.  I give hugs and refuse to dwell on the nagging thoughts of whether I am being hugged back or pushed away.   Share those cringe worthy moments, because even I eventually (after my mortification fades ;) ) see the humor in what I accidentally do.

So here I shall share these tales.  Both for the amusement of my readers (which I will hopefully have) and to cleanse my soul.  Welcome to my adventures of living as a socially awkward spanko.

Hi!

Hello!  Welcome to my spanking blog.  :)

I am not new to spanking, nor am I new to blogging!  I deleted my old blog a couple of years ago due to some privacy scares and never updating.  I am horrible at updating my blogs.

Why am I starting a new blog then?

I missed it.

I missed having a place to share my random thoughts and experiences in this thing we do.  I may not be the best updater or the best storyteller, but I like to have a place to write about what is on my mind and tell stories about the wonderful people I have met and the fun parties that I am lucky enough to attend.

The blogging community is wonderful and I read and follow many of my friends' blogs.  I want to be able to support my friends without having to jump through comment hoops.  I will be adding my favorite links as well as updating my profile within the next few weeks.  Please feel free to comment!

I'm trying to be as anonymous as one can be with a public, online-anyone-can-see naughty blog.  ;)  Please respect those wishes.

Thanks for reading!

~SaS