When Vanilla Life Gets You Down...

I'm going through a bit of a rough patch.  It's vanilla and boring, so I wont get into all of that.  It just really sucks and I have no outlet.  I have to ride this roller coaster over and over not knowing when, or if I will be able to get off the ride.

It is during these moments that my spanking desires are at an all time high.  Yes, I have my normal happy spanking thoughts, but lately much darker, more masochistic desires have been developing in my mind.  I want to be spanked, yes, but I want it to hurt.  I want my hair pulled, my arm grabbed.  I want to be roughly held down as the spanking begins.  I want a cane slashing, belt cracking scene where I feel something other than what I have been feeling.

Most importantly is "I want to feel something other than what I have been feeling."

The annual FMS Tropical Beach Party is coming up soon.  Unfortunately, we will have to miss this year due to a vanilla commitment.  I am bummed because I always have a great time and many of my favorite people will be there.  It would have provided with me the chance to get the snot beaten out of me too.  ;-)

I am lucky that I am married to a spanko, so I do get play more than most.  However, anything and anyone attached to the vanilla issue would end up putting me in a different head space and I would not be able to escape the issue.

I guess my whiny post comes down to these questions.  Have any of you spanked or have been spanked just to escape your problem for a while?  Have you been ever played rough just to feel something other than what you have been feeling?

Can someone hurry up and invent a teleportation device already?

Courage Panties

I have to be brave tonight.  Very brave.  Braver than I normally am when it comes to such things.  I'm thinking it is time to put on my courage panties!

What are courage panties?  They are the panties I wear when I need an extra boost of confidence!  Most have secret messages on them and when I am most terrified, I remind myself that I have my courage panties on.

The phrases I whisper to myself when I need super confidence

I know it's silly, but you know what?  They really work.  When I finally jumped  out into the scene and went to my first major spanking party, I had to pack my Wonder Woman panties just in case.

Wonder Woman panties boosted my confidence at my first ever shadowlane/spanking party

So tonight I don my "fabulous" panties to remind myself that I can be fabulous if I want to be!  They will help me do the scariest of scarys and boost my confidence to remind me that I can do it.

Everyone should have their own pair of courage panties!

Sometimes I Just Want It

It was a long work week.  The kind of week where I hate my job and just want to quit.

I'm tired.  I'm cranky.  I don't want to do ANYTHING.

Well, that isn't completely true.

There is ONE thing I want...


The problem is, I know it's been the same type of week for him.

We are both in a place where we are not happy with where we are and what we do.

We want a change and it's a mood killer.

I know what I want... but how do I know that HE wants it too.

What is a girl to do?

I normally get home from work first, and today was one of those days.  I sat on the couch and wondered how to approach it.

Do I just ask?  Do I playfully brat?  Is he too tired to play?

As the clock ticks I wait, and wonder what to do.

Sure enough, he comes home tired.  "I just want to sit for a moment," he says.

So I wait.

I prepare dinner and debate my next move.

I understand where he is coming from.  I feel the same way.  I just want to sit.  Relax.  De-stress from day.

Unfortunately my want is high.  I want to be handled.  I want my hair pulled.  I want to be pulled over his knee, my pants yanked downed, and spanked hard and furiously.

But does he want it too?

Subtle hints don't work.  My fantasy of being dominated is not going to be fulfilled today.  The question in my brain now is, do I give up or do I compromise?

I decide to be assertive.

I walk over to him and smile.  As he smiles back I slowly undo the buckle of my pants and slide them down.  My panties are cute.  White with pink hearts scattered about.  A pair that I know he loves.  I give him a knowing smile as I grab his hands.

"What is this," he asks.

Instead of answering I place myself over his knees.

"I need this tonight," I say.  "Please.  Give me what I need."

He chuckles and smiles down at me.  "You know how to ask," he says.

"Please," I beg.  "Give me what I want."

He slowly pulls my panties down to me knees.  I feel the cool air hit my bare bottom before he begins to rub his hand on my right cheek.  "It is my pleasure," he says.

Then a hard smack. The kind that causes me to gasp and catch my breath.

I smile and close my eyes.  This is what I need.


,

What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

Or something like that.

I go by a name in the scene that I picked out just because I liked it.  It is simple, cute, easy to rhyme, and is a good description of how I come across as a person.  I've been given many additional nicknames, all which I love due to my friends creating those names for me.  I'm not trying to "reinvent' myself by naming this blog SaS, it is just an honest description of who I am.  A description that humors many and horrifies me.

See, I am very awkward.  I try to play it off, but I have always been different.  Not only just a spanko freak, but I am a girl that has no filter and I am plague with anxiety and self esteem issues.  I do not always know how to act in situations, especially those that involve meeting new people.  I am very aware of the fact that I say (and do) stupid and uncomfortable things, and there is nothing I can do but own that fact.   Sometimes I am grateful that I am fully aware of my lack of social awareness (maybe I can change!) other times I feel that ignorance would truly be a bliss.  Meeting new people causes me to break out into a cold sweat, my heart starts to pump and I smile creepily as I pray to myself that I don't say anything offensive OR stupid.  I always hope that the people I am meeting don't realize how clumsy my words are until after they get to know me.  Then maybe they will think my silly faux pas are an endearing quality of my overall personality and not a gruesome turnoff.

I am very fortunate to have met many wonderful scene people who have become amazing friends.  They are my family.  I met my husband through the scene and we enjoy traveling to parties both large and small.  In my head though, there is always a little voice telling me that I don't really fit in.  I fight with this voice for entire parties.  It hits me hard in both the spanking and vanilla worlds.  As needy and crazy as it sounds (even to me), I worry that people are mad at me for something and I just don't know why.  Or they put up with me because one person likes me and they don't want to hurt their feelings.  I am aware enough to tell this voice in my head to shut up, but then I get anxious about being too anxious and worry that people will think I'm too needy...without ever saying any of this aloud.  

Crazy, right?

Over the years I have become much better at developing my cooping skills, but my anxiety still lingers and will always be a part of my life. To help myself enjoy more out of life, I finally decided to own it.  Laugh at myself instead of cry.  I give hugs and refuse to dwell on the nagging thoughts of whether I am being hugged back or pushed away.   Share those cringe worthy moments, because even I eventually (after my mortification fades ;) ) see the humor in what I accidentally do.

So here I shall share these tales.  Both for the amusement of my readers (which I will hopefully have) and to cleanse my soul.  Welcome to my adventures of living as a socially awkward spanko.