DD and Marriage; is it possible to achieve, or am I just too stubborn?

I think it is pretty safe to say that I am pretty into spanking.

When I first ventured into the scene, I thought the only type of spankings that existed were discipline spankings and that in order to achieve said goal, bratting was the only way to do it.  I didn't really do anything "bad" that needed a spanking, so being annoying seemed the way to go.

Only, I HATED being a brat.  Pranks and tricks are not my thing.  Being sassy has always been apart of who I am, but my making a smart ass comment doesn't necessarily mean I am trying to get a spanking.  I'm just being me.

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Funishment:  Naughty Baker

As my scene life evolved, I eventually learned that I am much more comfortable doing role plays for (using Richard Windsor's word) funishment.  It's fun, playful, and it is not something real that I may have done.  I am able to satisfy my needs and hopefully my partner's needs as well.


In reality, growing up and even growing up in my scene life, I never really needed any type of discipline type spankings.  I do my job, I am a safe driver, I tend not to be irresponsible, and I would never intentionally do something to hurt a person I care about's feelings.  That is not me.


When my husband and I first began our relationship, real discipline spankings were sprinkled into it.  I could tell back then it wasn't his favorite thing to do, and as our relationship grew into more than just "spanko" playmates, we became equals.  I do understand that many women enjoy taking a submissive role to their husbands, but I had been taking care of myself for so long, I wasn't able to be in a relationship where I felt subservient to my partner.  My husband does take care of me, but any major decisions in our life is discussed between us and decided together.

Funishment:  Naughty Baker

Eventually discipline type spankings disappeared from our relationship completely, and I was okay with that.

So I thought.

There were a few items that I asked my husband to help me with, but he never kept up with it.  I called him out on it and he let me know that he didn't think I really wanted a DD type relationship in our marriage, and the punishment aspect of spanking just doesn't seem to work with us.  I agreed and let it go.  I didn't want my husband to do anything he didn't feel comfortable with, it wouldn't be fair to him.

Then last year I did do something that hurt a dear friend of mine and made him very angry with me.  To make a long story short, I did something that I thought was playful, but in reality it annoyed him.  I didn't realize it annoyed him and kept at it until it basically blew up in my face.  I was horrified that I had hurt him and quickly tried to make it right.  Last summer in an unplanned scene, he spanked me for the incident.  It was not the hardest spanking I ever had, but I cried, something I never do during scenes.  I cried not because of the spanking, but because he was so disappointed in me and my actions.  I never want to do that to him again.

Funishment: Top in the  Corner

As much as I hate crying in front of people, and as much as I hated having to have a scene like that, it was also very cathartic.  I did something wrong that hurt someone I love, but instead of dropping me from his life, he punished me and cleared the air between us.  I knew all was forgiven and I wanted to be a better person because of it.  It is one of the most powerful scenes I have ever been a part of.

The scene stayed with me and I began to think about having a DD relationship again.  It hadn't worked in our relationship before, but maybe I changed?  However, even if I had changed would my husband's feelings have changed?  I became jealous of the discipline relationships my husband had with other girls.  To clarify, it wasn't jealousy of his playing with others (we both play with others), I was jealous that when it came to other girls, he could play the part of the disciplinarian and punish them if needed.

Last  May I became sick and was put on a strict diet that until recently, I followed very well.  I was also put on medication for some health issues that I need to take twice a day to avoid becoming sick.  I don't know if it was the holidays or I was just fed up with everything, but I fell off the wagon and I fell hard.  For whatever reason, I suck at taking my medications.  I either forget in the morning, or I forget at night... more than once a week.  I don't mean to forget, but I do.  Then this past week I went back to my doctor where he told me how disappointed he was with me, and I left feeling ashamed of myself.  I felt and still feel actually, like I failed myself.  I hate feeling like a failure and I had no one to blame but myself.

So I asked my husband for help.  I asked him to help me get back on the diet that doesn't make me sick and to make sure I actually take my medication twice a day.   I failed.  I failed horribly.  I am so miserable with myself that I keep chastising myself  and asking myself what the fuck is wrong with me.  Based on what I asked for, I deserve to be punished. However, once again it doesn't look like a punishment relationship will work for us.  I know he hates punishing me for real offensives, but part of me wants to be able to have someone else chastise me and release that pent up self loathing that I form about myself.

I'm curious to know what others think.  Are you able to have a DD relationship with your significant other?  Do you have a significant other who plays with you but not in a disciplinarian type of way?  Do you have a DD relationship with a different partner that is different from the relationship you have with your lover?  Do you have a DD relationship with someone and you are not romantically involved?

I would love to read your thoughts and comments on the subject.

 Funishment:  Christmas Hairbrushing and Dropseat Fun