I hesitated in writing this part, but I would be lying to myself if I didn't tell my whole party story. I want to try and stay positive because overall, the weekend was amazing. However, this is a real incident and it was a hard lesson for me. I let it get to me much more than I should have let it, and unfortunately it is still there, nagging at me, sometimes screaming at me, hoping to ruin all the happiness this weekend gave me. I know I am being over-dramatic, but sadly I cant help it. Negative thoughts about myself are always on my brain no matter how hard I try to suppress them. The worse part is when they convince me that they are true.
I have been going to the major parties for the last six years now. In all those six years, I have not once asked a person to play. I have never been able to do it. Not ONCE in six years.
If you know me, you know how neurotic I am. I don't understand why anyone would ever want to play with me. I'm not very pretty, I'm not very skinny, and I am ridiculously awkward to the point of embarrassment. Yet, without sounding completely like a preadolescence teenage girl, I really,really want people to like me. If I think someone is mad at me I will instantly start to cry and I worry what other people think constantly. It is never good and I always need to be reassured once I get a bad thought stuck in my head. Unfortunately, as much as I need the reassurance, my brain screams, "quit being such a needy bitch" and since I hate coming off as needy, I will hide and cry to myself until the moment has finally passed.
Apparently that night I was feeling very brave and maybe for once in my life, secure and confident. In the wee hours of Sunday morning, I asked a top to play. I did! All by myself. And then he said no.
I'm not writing this to be mean about him, he was a perfect gentleman about it. He doesn't know what a neurotic freak I am. He probably dodged a bullet! I refuse to even admit his name to anyone. However, it was everything I feared an answer would be, if I ever became brave enough to ask. Having your worst thoughts proven to be true sucks. Trying not to cry, I turned away so he couldn't see the disappointment on my face. I chose at that moment that it was time for me to walk away from the party and go to bed.
I don't blame him for saying no. I wouldn't want to play with me either. I am glad that I was brave enough to finally ask someone. I survived and now I know what will happen. However, I do not ever see myself ever being brave enough to ask anyone ever again, lol. Maybe in another six years...
OK, I can't let this stand without saying something.
ReplyDeleteBeing turned down SUCKS. No matter how nicely someone does it. And of course, he was within his rights to say no. But I know how utterly horrible that must have been for you.
GOOD FOR YOU that you asked. That was brave. And I am hoping you will not take another six years to try it again. Because perhaps the next man will say yes. But even if not, relish your power and bravery.
Sending you very strong virtual hugs.
Thank you. I can't be mad about it, he does have every right to say no. I'll hopefully someday be brave again, but for now I am just going to hope that nice guys seek me out to play. <3
DeleteI'm so sorry, and relate completely with how you feel. I don't generally ever ask either, and if I do it's because I already know they are interested or we have played and had fun before. You're braver than me, and you should be proud of it. Some people just don't click, I know lots of cool people like to play with you! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteThank you, but I don't think I am braver than you! lol I am a huge chicken. :)
DeleteFor the record..you are beautiful. I was lucky enough to play with you and it was a fun scene, one of my highlights of the weekend..
ReplyDeleteThank you topjosh. I very much enjoyed playing with you too!
DeleteI think a certain husband of yours needs to spank you for being so down on yourself! You are a beautiful, clever, amazingly charismatic girl, and you bring a wonderful energy to every interaction I've ever had with you. If that's not spankable, then I don't know what is. People say no for all sorts of reasons, and just because the timing of this sucked immensely, it doesn't mean you aren't desirable. <3
ReplyDeleteThank you Ellee! <3 You are so sweet. Unfortunately the husband is out of town for work. :( I hate that I am finally dropping and he is away. I need everyone out on Fet tonight! LOL
DeleteOh my kittykat...I love you!!! I agree whole heartedly with Ellee, you are absolutely amazing. You just radiate awesome and your POWER is just uplifting, even when you are down a little half smile and you light up the room! You give the best hugs and even though you got the no, you had the courage to ask! I don't think I ever have, except after already discussing with the particular top that we would play anyway. xoxo Sarah_Rocks
ReplyDeleteI lurves you too, wifey!!!
DeleteI can't say it any better than Ellee already did. You need to stop being so hard on yourself. I love with you 100%. Could I do that if you were absolutely splendid in every possible way? I don't know what my life would be without you. You're beautiful inside and out, and the boys ought to be kicking down doors to get to you.
DeleteRemember, you don't know WHY he said no. It's likely nothing personal. Maybe he was busy. Or tired. Or too drunk. Or had assed his hand already. Or... It could have been ANYTHING. Don't presume it's something personal/hurtful!
Of course, I'm not one to put myself out there either. So maybe I shouldn't talk.
Still, love you wife o' mine!
~aurora
Love you too, wifey!!!
DeleteI hereby bet you I will get you to ask again within the next year.
ReplyDeleteI SWORE I would never ask anyone ever ever ever. Now I'm fairly casual about most of it. It's not that I think anyone would play with me - there are definitely times I shy away because I think I'll be turned down, whether that is a rational thought or not - but that if I feel there's a connection there I'll do it. I won't do it with anyone; there's a headspace it messes with. I'll only do it if I am looking for some simple fun, or if I know it won't affect the scene at all. Anyway, it's still rare, but I've now identified that comfort zone where I feel like I can do it. And I can show you!
ellee is right. You're gorgeous and wonderful and anyone who says no to you has problems all his own! The biggest problem of which is that he didn't get the opportunity to play with YOU. And that's punishment enough even if he doesn't yet know it. I don't mean to demonize someone who, as you said, was nice and in his rights. But I hope you know how beautiful you are and how smart and witty and how loved. You have a family cushion to fall on when these things happen. They happen in different ways to everyone. You know that I know.
Love you, kat. xoxox
Thank you so much for this. I would not take that bet ;), but I really appreciate what you have to say. :)
DeleteI have experienced this as well and it was crushing. I'm still quite traumatized by it. The person who turned me down said my age (20) was to blame and the way he said it "No! What? Why would I play with you? No, that's crazy." As though I'd asked him to spank his mother. It was awkward because I reminded him of a niece, but it was still crushing. I've never asked a new person to play since. If they ask or it comes up in casual conversation, I'll play, but outright asking? It's hard. I empathize immensely. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I don't know you really at all, but I know it's always hard no matter who you are. You may never know the reason but for every "no" there are a ton of "yes"s.
ReplyDeleteIt is true for every 'no' there are a ton of "yes"s, it's just one of those things that will be hard for me to get over. I don't mind waiting to be asked, it is just going to take a while to rebuild that courage. :)
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