What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

Or something like that.

I go by a name in the scene that I picked out just because I liked it.  It is simple, cute, easy to rhyme, and is a good description of how I come across as a person.  I've been given many additional nicknames, all which I love due to my friends creating those names for me.  I'm not trying to "reinvent' myself by naming this blog SaS, it is just an honest description of who I am.  A description that humors many and horrifies me.

See, I am very awkward.  I try to play it off, but I have always been different.  Not only just a spanko freak, but I am a girl that has no filter and I am plague with anxiety and self esteem issues.  I do not always know how to act in situations, especially those that involve meeting new people.  I am very aware of the fact that I say (and do) stupid and uncomfortable things, and there is nothing I can do but own that fact.   Sometimes I am grateful that I am fully aware of my lack of social awareness (maybe I can change!) other times I feel that ignorance would truly be a bliss.  Meeting new people causes me to break out into a cold sweat, my heart starts to pump and I smile creepily as I pray to myself that I don't say anything offensive OR stupid.  I always hope that the people I am meeting don't realize how clumsy my words are until after they get to know me.  Then maybe they will think my silly faux pas are an endearing quality of my overall personality and not a gruesome turnoff.

I am very fortunate to have met many wonderful scene people who have become amazing friends.  They are my family.  I met my husband through the scene and we enjoy traveling to parties both large and small.  In my head though, there is always a little voice telling me that I don't really fit in.  I fight with this voice for entire parties.  It hits me hard in both the spanking and vanilla worlds.  As needy and crazy as it sounds (even to me), I worry that people are mad at me for something and I just don't know why.  Or they put up with me because one person likes me and they don't want to hurt their feelings.  I am aware enough to tell this voice in my head to shut up, but then I get anxious about being too anxious and worry that people will think I'm too needy...without ever saying any of this aloud.  

Crazy, right?

Over the years I have become much better at developing my cooping skills, but my anxiety still lingers and will always be a part of my life. To help myself enjoy more out of life, I finally decided to own it.  Laugh at myself instead of cry.  I give hugs and refuse to dwell on the nagging thoughts of whether I am being hugged back or pushed away.   Share those cringe worthy moments, because even I eventually (after my mortification fades ;) ) see the humor in what I accidentally do.

So here I shall share these tales.  Both for the amusement of my readers (which I will hopefully have) and to cleanse my soul.  Welcome to my adventures of living as a socially awkward spanko.