SSNY Christmas Party Weekend in NYC Part I: Thursday Night

Recently I attended the Christmas party/fifth anniversary of SSNY.  My husband and I spent a weekend in Manhattan sharing a two floor townhouse with 19 (!) people.  As tight of a squeeze as it was, for Manhattan standards, this place was pretty much a mansion!

Thursday afternoon we headed to the airport and my party excitement was growing and nerves were at an all time high.  I had been in a spanko funk for the past several weeks, and I was worried it would affect my party experience.  As we got to the house, it was excited hugs with the 7 people who were already there.  I was so excited to see my girls Stacykins, Crashdance, Melanie, and mia13 as well as meet the lovely Chrysalides.  I can't forget the wonderful gentlemen of OS, Strictdave, and RainySpanker.  After a couple of drinks and some cozy catch up time, I was all smiles and and starting to suppress the anti/nervous spanko feelings I had been having.

Being the only smoker person who enjoys the brisk night air, I took full advantage of the nice New York City night and the amazing rooftop desk on our townhouse.  It was a great night (especially considering that the next few days would suck, weather-wise) and there was a beautiful view.  OS followed me up the stairs to "check out the view" and proceeded to give me my first spanking of the weekend.  This spanking was significant for three reasons:

1.)  My spanko funk was partly related to a smaller party that I had gone to where no one touched me.  It was the first party I had ever been to where no one asked me to play.  I left the party feeling like a leper and my anxiety and self esteem issues were sky high and I had spent the last few weeks beating myself up about it.  I even half-joked saying if no one touched me at this party, I was going vanilla.

2.)  It was outside which triggered my exhibitionist side and put me in a yummy, rare, submissive mindset.
2.a) Some creeper in an apartment across the street watched.

3.)  The spanking was given to me by a great guy who I really enjoy playing with, who knows how to command a scene, who taps into my head space, and makes me feel better about myself as a person.

The roof top scene calmed my nerves and reminded me why I love my friends in the scene and why parties like this mean a lot to me.  I went downstairs grinning, so happy that we decided to attend this weekend.

From then on I enjoyed spanks and straps, and even being squat lifted by RainySpanker!  It was so great to sit around and catch up with everyone and have a "chillaxed" evening before the craziness of the actual party weekend would start.

An Ode to My Girls, and Why Girlfriends Make Life Better

I've never had a lot of friends.  Especially girlfriends.

I was always kind of a tom boy growing up and am a little rough around the edges.  I never was boy crazy, I didn't care about clothes, and I didn't start wearing makeup until I was in college (and even now I only put it on for special occasions).

I tried very hard to fit in when I was in high school.  I pretended I liked bands and I would talk about guys they thought were hot.  I wore what my friends told me to wear and I laughed at all their jokes, even though many were mean and not very funny.  Basically I was their puppet and when I finally spoke up against them I no longer had friends.  It would have been a very lonely year if I didn't have my guys.

Fast forward several years and my girlfriends were still few and far between.  I finally got the courage to come into the scene, and then something amazing happened.

I met the girls.

Suddenly I had girls to laugh with, girls to chat with, and girl hugs coming at me at all angles.   Parties would turn into all night gab fests and giggles. Snugglefests on the bed would be the late night party norm, and silly gags will turn into hilarious stories and longtime running jokes.

Best part?  These girls seemed to like me for me!

I have panic attacks that pop up when I am really nervous about something and am embarrassed when they happen.  I hate crying in front of people, and all panic attacks end with me crying.  As much as I love going to parties, unfortunately I occasionally panic about something (and it is ALWAYS something stupid).  Normally I can hide in my room alone and cry without anyone knowing.  The couple of times I had been caught was with guys and I was horrified.  I was convinced if any of the girls caught me they would avoid me like the plague.

Last Shadowlane I was nervous about something.  I thought I had calmed myself down enough to be okay, but unfortunately right before entering a suite I panicked.  I couldn't breathe and I felt the tears coming.  Not only was I embarrassed that I was panicking about something stupid, I was horrified because I was with a group of my girls.  Not sure what to do, I muttered something about going back to my room, entered the closest stairwell and started crying.

Girls however, don't let other girls run away that easily.  The door opened, and in came two of my girls.  As I started to panic more, hugs and soothing talk came my way.  Instead of laughing at me or rolling their eyes, they calmed me down.  They made me feel better and even talked me into coming back to the party.  They were there for me.

This past weekend I attended the amazing SSNY Christmas Party and was invited to stay in a house in the city with 18 other people.  Super cramp quarters made it hard to escape from any panic attacks.  Long story short, I became nervous about an outfit I said I was going to wear and my anxiety rose to the point of tears.  My poor husband tried to help me as much as he could, but unfortunately when I am like that I can't listen to him. Instead of leaving me alone to freak myself out, he went upstairs and got one of the girls.  When he told her what was going on she quickly came down, and a couple of the other girls who heard what was going on quickly joined her.  Their words and encouragement calmed me down and I realized that I was being stupid.  I never in a million years thought that I would have these amazing ladies in my life.

So in my post party, weepy, cheesy, and droppy sadness, I want to thank all my girls.  From "THE POWER" to my cousins, from tucks to snugglefests on the bed, from giggling when we shouldn't to singing loudly, from piling into cars and other bad idea ideas... thank you.  I could never survive the scene without you and having you in my life makes my life so much better.